Dentist visit
Today’s dentist visit went well. I am in a lot less pain now. : )
What goes up must come down
Since Monday’s most wonderful events, my mood has been mildly elevated. Today that ended. I have felt depressed all day ( well almost. )
It all started when upon waking up, I realized I was out of soda. I went to the store to get more, and on the way back, almost burst into tears. For no ‘real’ reason mind you. Just the depressive side of my bipolar rearing its ugly head. All day long, with one notable exception, I have felt miserable.
After free-associating on it, I come to the conclusion that it has to do with some text messages I recieved last night. A [ now former ] good friend wrote me off entirely. It hurt. I was expecting it, but it hurt none the less. While this was not on the forefront of my mind this morning, I’m sure today’s depressive gist is related to it. The hypomania was fun while it lasted. And things really are improving in my life. But with moods as with anything else, what goes up must come down.
Building pidgin on SXDE 1/08
In a previous post, I explained how to build the latest pidgin from source on Solaris 10. That procedure does not quite work so well on Solaris Express Developer Edition. Here is how I built pidgin 2.5.2 on SXDE 1/08:
- Download, uncompess and untar the source code.
- You will need GNU gettext for it to work, so download that as well. I got gettext from blastwave. They are not so terrible when it comes to text based tools like that.
- Fix the file names for gnu gettext so that configure can find them. In other words get rid of the ‘g’ in front of the file names. “cp ggettext gettext” and so on.
- Set up your PATH, MAKE, and LD variables. Make sure all the tools you will use ( including gnu gettext ) are accessible. then set MAKE=/usr/sfw/bin/gmake and LD=/usr/ccs/bin/ld
- ./configure –disable-perl –disable-tcl –disable-missing-dependencies –enable-gnutls=yes –disable-gtkspell –prefix=/opt/jis Notice that we are NOT using the mozilla nss libs, and are able to use gnutls.
- gmake This step may take several minutes. Unlike on Solaris 10, gcc is fine to use.
- su Become root. Then make sure to set your PATH, MAKE, and LD variables again.
- gmake install
- You may want to rename the old version of pidgin at /usr/bin/pidgin and then symlink to your new version.
Thats pretty much all there is to it. Again, the big advantage of using 2.5.x is that it uses a newer version of the MSN protocol and therefore lets you set personal messages.
Home sweet home
A week ago yesterday, I arrived home from my “vacation.” I had forgotten what a mess I had left my apartment in. So, I ended up spending the past week cleaning it up and making it look nice. Right now it looks just plain awesome. I regret not having taken a photo of what it looked like before. I could have posted before and after pics. Oh well. Let’s just say that it did not look like a pigsty, it looked more like a landfill!
It feels good to be back in my now clean apartment. It feels good to be back in Wisconsin. It feels good to be home!
Obstacles to medication compliance
Lots of reasons and excuses are often given as to why individuals fail to take their medications as prescribed. Some cite resentment about the diagnosis. Another common ‘reason’ is that one starts to feel better, one might feel that medications are no longer necessary.
IMHO, most of the time it is one or both of two other reasons:
- Difficulty obtaining medications.
- Laziness.
Let us start with laziness first. You’re watching TV, or browsing the web, or finishing up on some long past due assignment. You get to the point where you are too tired to continue what you are doing. Bed becomes a very welcome option. Barely awake enough to undress, do you really feel like taking the time to take your pills, or will you skip them, just this once, and resume tomorrow? Addressing this is relatively easy ( compared to the other obstacle. ) What I usually do is take them long before I am ready for sleep, thus bypassing the issue. The other alternative is to just force one’s self to take them anyway despite being half asleep. This is, I admit, easier said than done.
Now let’s look at the more difficult obstacle. When prices of medications exceed or come close to exceeding one’s total income, medication compliance can become another fantasy item, right along with things like a private jet, or becoming president. This rarely inhibits mental health providers from lecturing about priorities or the importance of medications. Wake up doctors! Reality check time! Of course we want to take our meds, that is not up for debate. But how the hell do we afford them?
Don’t get me wrong. I am NOT blaming the psychiatrists for the situation. I am just respectfully requesting that they at least take the time to become aware of it, and not participate in that ever destructive game called ‘denial.’
Here is a thought to ponder: If even a fraction of the resources used to deny reality were directed toward changing reality instead, perhaps the world would be a better place.
Light at the end of the tunnel
Things continue to improve. Slowly, but surely, I am climbing out of the depressive abyss. For the first time in a long time, I see light at the end of the tunnel. The potential exists for things to be okay.
Now is the time for action. I must take the steps to make that potential a reality.
I’ve begun studying for CompTIA A+ certification. The difficulty of the coursework seems to be somewhere between what others suggested it would be, and what I expected it to be. I expect to pass the exam when I take it. Let me rephrase: I had better pass the exam!
Moods still fluctuate more than I would like. Sleep regulation is still very much a challenge. Both, however, are now manageable!
Update from Philly
Currently, I am enjoying a brief “vacation” in Philadelphia. Things kind of fell apart for me about a week ago. So… I’m here for a short while recharging my batteries so to speak.
For the purpose of hindering the spread of false rumors, I feel the need to make the following known:
- I am NOT moving, to Philadelphia, or anywhere else, any time soon.
- My home is still Wisconsin.
I guess the biggest piece of good news is that I’m back on my medications. While the meds do help, it is going to be a long road. My whole life and way of living is in desperate need of a total reconfiguration. Too bad I can’t just FDISK, format, and reimage my brain as one might do to a screwed up harddrive.
The bipolar has really hit me hard this time around. Despite the improvements already made, I still have yet to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Life goes on
Life seems to be a never ending series of hello’s and goodbye’s. Each hello seems to carry less promise than the one before it, each goodbye seems to bring with it an increasing amount of hurt.
And then, life goes on. People attempt to console with phrases such as “it only gets better” or “things will improve.” They lack, however, any evidence to back up these claims. Let’s face it: Life sucks.
Time, both lost and wasted
I am not doing so well today / yesterday / whatever day it is.
For the sake of clarity I will refer to days of the week. Sunday I did absolutely nothing, except for taking a walk. Inventory had been scheduled for Sunday but was cancelled and rescheduled. Sunday was pretty much a wasted day. : (
About five minutes ago or so, not exactly sure, I realized that I was sitting in front of my computer and that it was about 2:05 am, Monday. Several browser tabs were open that I did not quite recognize. I wasn’t sleep typing since I wasn’t asleep. I just do not really remember the last several hours. Only a vauge recollection of reading something interesting persists.
Eh, Life goes on.
Tech support and the mental health industry
I have noticed a common theme between these two seemingly very different professions. In both fields, the goal of the service provider seems as follows: Refer the customer elsewhere.
Let’s look at tech support first. I have observed countless situations where the preferred course of action seems to be get someone else to fix this, its not our problem. “Oh, sorry your DSL light is blinking, your NIC must be defective.” Basicly, shift blame, refer elsewhere, end the call, next.
Mental health professionals are IMHO often just as bad. One of my pet peeves is when a crisis line asks right away in the conversation “Is there anyone you can call?” I think it is best to reply to this with something snippy and sarcastic such as “Yeah, I could call crisis, whats their number?” or “Sorry, you guys were last on my list of people I could call, and you don’t want to talk to me either! Now where did I put that bottle of Tylenol?” If you use the second example, there is a slight chance the cops may show up at your door, but don’t count on it.
Psychiatrists are also often guilty of this trend, although usually less so. More often it seems they just want to keep you medicated enough not to complain, but not too medicated to be able to sign insurance forms, and if need be, go to work to earn money so you can have insurance in the first place.
Let us not leave out the worst of the bunch, the undertrained, over-egotistical, n00b therapist. I’m not talking about all therapists here, just the type with minimal qualifications, even more minimal skills, and a huge ego. Most ‘consumers’ for lack of a better word, have dealt with at least one of these ‘professionals’, for lack of a better word! The shrink who considers photocopying a list of ‘Things to do on a rainy day’ or ‘101 reasons not to be bored’ to be an advanced form of psychotherapy. Sorry guys, I know how to google and to use a Xerox, if thats all they taught you in your Ph.D. course then you got scammed big time by the university.
And to finish off, my all time favorite: A group ‘therapy’ session I attended that consisted of 45 minutes of memorizing a sentance: “Take your medication and keep your appointment!” ( BTW i would never had attended such an extreme waste of my, and everyone elses time, not to mention insurance funds, this was in an inpatient setting and i didnt have much choice )